Thank You For Listening

There is one sure fire way of making someone feel special. A way to make them feel as if they are the most important thing in the world.  And it is such a simple thing that we take it for granted. In fact, most of us are often guilty of forgetting all about it, even though we may have the best of intentions. This powerful technique costs nothing but time and a bit of effort. But that effort can be of more value to the other person than the most expensive gift, and reward the giver in powerful ways. What is this mysterious thing of which I speak?

Our full attention.

It is worth asking ourselves:  How often are my loved ones the recipient of my completely undistracted, full attention?

By this I do not mean all the things you do and ways you are there for your kids. We might spend a lot of time together, in the car going hither and thither, showing up for games and dance recitals, cooking dinner, helping with homework. All of this attention is extremely valuable, but it is also chaotic and busy. And in this mode it is easy to overlook the subtle cues or outright requests for our focused attention. We are convinced we can listen just as well while we are unloading the dishwasher or quickly checking to see if we have any new messages. The momentum seems to carry us along despite ourselves. But those times when our loved ones need our full attention - especially our kids - can be the most important to them and to their self-esteem.

What can we do to help our loved ones understand that we believe they are important and that we are truly listening? First of all we need to be aware that our attention is needed! Then we can silence our phones and set them face down before turning our entire focus to the person who needs our attention; if we know we cannot resist it, we can take off our watch or otherwise silence ALL notifications so we are not compelled to glance down at the tiny screen every five and a half seconds. (Yes, it is noticed. Every. Single. Time.) We can stop everything we are doing and focus our eyes and ears on the other person in a way that makes them feel SEEN and HEARD. We can listen to them instead of half-listening/half-formulating-our-next-response while simultaneously wondering how we are going to pull off dinner tonight or get that report in on schedule.

To some the above suggestions will simultaneously sound amazing and unreasonable. How many of us might respond with thoughts such as, “Well, I don’t look at my phone/watch that much while my kids/spouse are trying to talk to me,” or “I can’t take off my watch!  That’s insane!  All my biometrics will be off if I do that!” or “I can certainly listen and empty the dishwasher at the same time!”

The truth is, it is quite literally impossible to listen deeply to the child who really, really needs to feel heard and understood as they explain a problem they are having with their coach, or share their excitement about the perfect score they received on a test, or their sadness about unkind treatment from a supposed friend, while we are using part of our mind for something else. No matter how innocuous it might seem to us, they feel it deeply. And yet we might not even notice as we “uh-huh” them and hurry on to the next thing on our to-do list.

It is easy to become numb to the effects the constant buzzing and dinging and ringing have on us - and others. It just becomes “the way it is." But that only happens if we allow it - if we hand over our autonomy to the devices and allow them to control us. I don’t think that is what any of us want to model to our children, nor do we want them to develop those types of insidious habits or offhand ways of treating others.

We ourselves know the difference between being the recipient of total focus versus partial attention. When someone else turns their attention to listening to us with a steady gaze, fully present and with the intent to understand what we are saying and feeling - it feels so validating. In the energy of that attention we feel truly important, and we know that what we have to say, what we are explaining or revealing about ourselves, honestly matters to the listener. There is no substitute for it.

So please, practice full attention. Practice it with your kids, your spouse, your family, your friends. Treat them like they are more important than whoever (or whatever) is on the other end of the phone or wrapped around your wrist. The value of deep listening is immeasurable. When we put down the phone and put our focus on those around us, we build trust, respect and the opportunity for greater intimacy and honesty in our relationships. The validation of feeling truly seen and heard, without impatience or distraction in the listener, is one of the most powerful gifts we can give.